“Holy cow, Ophelia! What the hell did you do to your boobs?” “Isn’t it obvious Kelly? I got a boob job.” “I’ll say. They are really something. What made you decide to do this now?” “I just got tired of… Read More ›
Observations
A Cruel, Cruel World
“Are you going to order dessert?” “I wish I could Kelly, but I’m trying to lose three more pounds.” “You’ve lost enough weight.” “I still think my butt is too big. Just 3 more pounds.” “Look, Petunia, here is the… Read More ›
What I would say if I were the flight attendant
Hello everyone, Unless you are in seat 1B, please take a moment to listen as I explain the safety features of this aircraft. For the guy in 1B who refused to comprehend that a bulkhead seat means everything has to… Read More ›
Excerpts from recent correspondence I’ve sent out
“Now that I have introduced all of you to each other via email, I’ll leave you on your own to follow up. Anyone copying me on further correspondence will be killed.” “Dear (our graphic designer): Please see the attached, which… Read More ›
Barbarella
“Bob, do you remember when I bought my Lexus RS430 Convertible?” “Kelly, it was a Lexus SC 430, not RS 430.” “Whatever. Do you remember when I bought it?” “Yes. I also remember that you bought it because I told… Read More ›
Furniture is Evil
“Bob, I backed into a truck today.” “Good grief, Kelly. How did that happen?” “I was leaving Greenfront Furniture after trying to find a new couch for the family room. And I backed into the truck by mistake.” “Don’t you… Read More ›
Why I hate Walmart
I’m going to go on record saying that I was extremely sleep deprived this afternoon. And aliens took over my body at some point which is why I decided to go to Walmart to pick up 7 items. Standing in… Read More ›
Running Late
Two hours before my flight departs: “Do you have any questions about this project? I have a flight that leaves in 2 hours and I still have a 45-minute drive to the airport. And you know there’s going to be… Read More ›
Official Gay Friends
Every woman needs at least one “official” gay guy friend. This is the man who will go shopping with you, give you advice on your hair, listen to you tell every single detail of a story, and basically do everything… Read More ›
Nothing is Sacred
“So, Michael, how are things going with your daughters?” “I’m not sure I’m going to survive and they aren’t even teenagers yet.” “Yes, raising daughters is not for the weak. But its important that you keep the lines of communication… Read More ›
Did I say that out loud? 