What I would say if I were the flight attendant

Hello everyone,

Unless you are in seat 1B, please take a moment to listen as I explain the safety features of this aircraft.  For the guy in 1B who refused to comprehend that a bulkhead seat means everything has to go overhead and as a result held up boarding for 5 minutes while he pretended not to speak English, you don’t have to listen to a damn thing.  We’re not going to save you anyway.

Please make sure your seat belt is fastened.  I am not going to bother demonstrating how to fasten a seat belt because if you don’t know how to do this by now, you have no business being on this airplane and should exit immediately.

Most of you walked by the emergency exits on the way to your seat.  Look around and figure out now where you’re going to exit if we have to make an emergency landing.  I promise you this is the most important thing I’m going to say so figure it out now.  You folks sitting in rows 20 and higher just go straight to the exit in the back of the plane because you’re never going to get through the passengers in front of you.

If we do have an emergency landing, I’d like to ask the little old ladies in seats 9B through 12C that are obviously traveling together because all of you came on board with three shopping bags each in addition to your handbags to just stay seated.  You’re old, you move too slowly and you’re just going to get in the way.  When the rest of the airplane is empty you can exit.  I won’t even bother asking you not to attempt to bring your shopping bags with you.

Your seat cushion is a flotation device.  In the unlikely event we crash into water and don’t sink like a rock wrapped in chainmail, grab the seat cushion on your way out of the plane.  This means you won’t have room to carry your laptop, purse, or carry-on bag.   You’ll be holding that cushion for dear life.  So I hope you backed up your hard drive before you left the house this morning.  If not then shame on you.

I’m now specifically talking to the three men who were originally in seats 2C, 3A and 6B and whom we relocated to the back of the plane for weight distribution purposes.  Each of you will need to grab two cushions apiece.  I would also recommend you explore the P90-X series at some point in the near future.  Your seat belt buckles are really not supposed to disappear into your belly.

Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past 10 years, you know that you can’t smoke on US flights.  The bathrooms have been equipped with smoke detectors.  If you try to smoke during this 60-minute flight I will personally grab you out of the lavatory and make you eat that cigarette. I will then fine your ass $10,000.

If we lose air pressure, oxygen masks will drop out from above your seat.  If this happens, do not panic.  If you are traveling with children be sure and put your own oxygen mask on first before helping your child.  If you are traveling with more than one child, well it looks like you’re going to have to make a couple tough decisions now, aren’t you?  To the lady in seat 12A traveling with “Little Miss Attitude”, I suggest you leave that teenager to figure it out on her own.   At that age they are too mean to die anyway.

The cabin doors are now closed.  That means you have to turn off all electronic devices.  Don’t make me call you out.  Hey, you.  Yes, I’m talking to you, the redhead in seat 15D.  Shut that laptop right now.  DO NOT make me use my mom voice.

We will not be passing out any amenities during this flight because we’re bankrupt.  You should have packed your own snack.  If you need me for anything, you can hit the call button above your head.  Only hit it once, I’m not deaf.  You keep hitting it and I’m going to slap you when I get to your seat.

Once we are airborne the Captain will come on the speaker to give you more information about your flight.  He will sound like a mutant ninja turtle talking through a mouthful of marbles.  You won’t understand a single word he says so don’t bother listening.

Now please sit back and enjoy your flight.

Categories: Observations

9 replies

  1. Kelly: Love your story. Being an old fella who sailed for two years aboard a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, I’m likely the only one reading this who KNOWS what a bulkhead is. A fun read. Thanks.

  2. Kelly, YOU ARE AWESOME. Laughter is good medicine…..and trust that I am 100% healthy after reading ALL of your blogs! Keep em coming! From your fan Wanda Alexis Alexander….0000XXXX

  3. I would pay extra to have you as my flight attendent! Forget extra charges for luggage, I will buy what I need when I get there and then leave it behind upon my return, as long as you are the flight attendant once more.

  4. I might swear a lot…:) Hysterical!

  5. OMG, you took the words out of the Flight Attendants mouth. Thank you for saying this on behalf of flight crews and passengers everywhere!

  6. Great read! ‘Don’t make me use my mom voice’ is the BEST threat ever!

  7. Tine Fey, this is good stuff here. I mean, Kelly.

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