Two days ago, HGTV Magazine arrived in the mail.  It had a lot of articles about how to celebrate spring by adding “color” to your home.  Most of the ideas were waaaayyyy out of my comfort zone.  However, one suggestion – paint your front door – seemed to be a project I could accomplish, given my limited talents in the home decorating department.  Ahh, it is a slippery slope…

I was planning on painting my front door a bright, slimy, lime green.  Fortunately, I asked my next door neighbor, Sue, for her advice.  After she finished having a quiet heart attack, she came running to the rescue with her vast collection of paint chip colors.  We settled on a more conservative (yet BRIGHT!) yellow.  This should have been the end of the story.  However….

Then Sue mentioned how nice it would look if I added new brass handles to the front door, and quite possibly, a brass kick plate.  She had me sold and so off I went to Lowe’s, to purchase a quart of paint, a new brass door handle, and a kick plate.  Oh, I was so naive. 

First let me say that the people at Lowe’s are some of the most helpful, patient, and friendly sales staff I have ever met.  In particular, there is a woman named Mary who works in the Garden department at Lowe’s of Manassas, who should win employee of the year.  Why was I in the garden department of Lowe’s when I was there to purchase paint?  I don’t want to talk about it.  But you should see the planters on my deck, not to mention my new gardenia tree.

I came home full of energy and optimism and started painting my front door:

Step One:  Remove existing door handle, dead bolt lock, and Dragonfly door knocker.

Step Two:  Tape newspaper to everything that moves.

Step Three: One coat of primer on door.

Step Four:  Clean primer off the bricks in front of door.

Step Five:  Second coat of primer.

Step Six:  Push my cat, Sadie, away from paint basin of primer.

Step Seven:  Remove black cat hairs from white primer paint on front door.

Step Eight, Nine and Ten:  Three F(*&^ing coats of yellow paint.

Step Eleven:  Go to the back porch and pot the 32 different plants that Mary from Lowes convinced me to purchase.

Step Twelve:  Start installing the new brass door handles.  Realize you are in waaaayy over your head because the new hardware does not fit into the holes in the door that were drilled for the old hardware.

Step Thirteen:  Call your son, Gary, in a panic.  Thankfully, he is driving home from work and is (sort of) near your house.  Be very, very, grateful when he understands exactly what you mean when you tell him, “The new brass lock thing won’t fit into the round hole that worked for the old brass lock thing.  I need to drill a hole that is bigger, but not the kind of hole you drill with a regular drill, I need the round hole drill bit thing that makes the hole bigger, except with a drill.”

Step Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen and Seventeen:  Gary comes to the house and makes the big hole bigger.  He installs the new brass door handle.  He tests the locks.  He installs the new brass kick plate.  He does this on his way home from a 10 hour work-day.  And he is in a good mood the entire time.

Step Eighteen:  Take a photo of your newly updated door and post it on your blog.  Spend a moment sending good karma to Gary, and be thankful you have him in your life.

Love, Mom

Last Step:  When Bob gets home from work and is amazed at the transformation, be tempted to him that you did this all by yourself.  Refuse to succumb.  Tell the truth instead.  Feel like you might be one step closer to Heaven.

Categories: Family