“Hello, is this Kelly Harman?”

“Yes.”

“This is the Lockheed Martin Health Coach Program.  We’re calling for your six week check-in.”

“Fine.  Coach away.”

“Well, Mrs. Harman, first I need to double check that your records are correct and then I will transfer you to a coach.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“You seem upset, Mrs. Harman.  Is this a bad time?”

“No, I’m just annoyed.  I don’t like this health coach program.  I’m not interested in discussing my health with a total stranger.  I’m only participating because my husband is forcing me to do this so he can get the extra $250 added to our health account.  I offered to write him a check but he said it wouldn’t count.  So I am doing this under protest.   Also, none of my contact information has changed since the last time I had to do this, and I am in a taxi on the way to the airport.  So just go ahead and transfer me to a coach so I get this over with.”

“Thank you Mrs. Harman.  Please hold for the next available coach.”

<Listen to on hold music for several minutes while taxi driver weaves maniacally through highway traffic.  Just as I am about to hang up…..>

“Hello!  This is Ed White.”

“Hello Ed, this is Kelly Harman.”

“……………”

“……………”

“Uh, Kelly.  Do you have any questions for me?”

“No Ed, I don’t.”

“…………”

“Uhm, Ed.  Do you have anything you want to say to me?”

“Oh.  Well, okay.  A few weeks ago, on my way to Alaska for vacation I lost my blood pressure medication.  I was very worried that my blood pressure would shoot up but-“

“Ed, Ed!!  Stop.  Do you think I’m a health coach?”

“Well, yes.  Aren’t you?”

“No Ed, I am not a health coach.  I thought you were a health coach.”

“Gosh, no.  What happened?”

“Well Ed, the phone system must have accidentally put us together.  We were both holding for a health coach.”

“Oh no!  I was holding a very long time.  Does this mean I’m going to have to call back again?”

“If you want to talk to a health coach, yes I’m pretty sure we’ll have to call back in again.”

“Well, that is disappointing.”

“Then you might as well finish your story Ed.  What happened when you lost your blood pressure medication?”

“That is just the point!  Nothing happened.  My blood pressure stayed the same.  It didn’t go up, it didn’t go down.  It just stayed the same.  What do you think that means?”

“Well Ed, I think it means you need to stop taking that medication.  It obviously isn’t doing anything for you.  You should go talk to your doctor.”

“I’d love to get off the medication.”

“Do you exercise Ed?  Do you practice yoga or meditate?”

“I do Tai Chi.”

“Excellent.  That’s good for your blood pressure.  What about cardio?  Are you doing cardio?”

“I just started.  Yesterday I went on the treadmill for five minutes.”

“Ed!  Ed!  Five minutes on the treadmill won’t do shit for you.  You need to start with a minimum of fifteen to twenty minutes.  You should know that!”

“Yes, I know, I know.  You’re right.”

“I know what I’m talking about, Ed.  My blood pressure is 99 over 66.  You need to exercise.”

“…sigh….”

“Well Ed, it doesn’t look like the health coach is planning on joining us, and I am almost at the airport so we better wind up our call.”

“Yes, I guess we have to call back now.”

“You can call back if you want to, Ed.  As far as I’m concerned I have done my check in.  They can call me back in six weeks.  But you have a great day and make sure you go see your doctor.  And start your cardio!”

“You got it, Kelly.  Nice talking to you.”

Categories: Health, The Unexpected