My cat’s butt exploded today. I know this because she waited until I woke up this morning to leap up into the bed and push her back end right in front of my face.  Let me tell you, in the best of circumstances this is a pretty rough way to wake up. But add the explosion factor and it will get you out of bed faster than a screaming smoke alarm.

“Oh my goodness, Sadie’s butt exploded,” I yelled to my husband. A red, oozing mass of skin surrounded the right side of her back end. I really don’t want to give you any more details. Let your imagination do the work and think of those movies where aliens start popping out of live human bodies and you’ll get the picture. “What do I do?” I asked.

“Call the vet,” Bob suggested. “I’m not even going to look at her butt.” He’s helpful that way.

So I called the vet and explained my emergency. “My cat’s butt exploded,” I said.

“What do you mean exactly, when you say exploded?” asked the receptionist.

“Well, she’s got this big oozing red sore on her butt and it looks like something back there exploded,” I said.

“Can you tell if it’s a cut or a trauma wound?” she asked.

“No, I can’t tell you anything except it looks awful and I need an appointment.”

There are few things in life that Sadie hates more than her little carrying case. One look at the contraption and she high tails it under the nearest piece of furniture. So I have to resort to very complicated maneuvers that include covering the case in a blanket, humming a tune and not making eye contact with Sadie until I’ve snuck up behind her and wrapped her in a towel to shove her in the tiny door. If I don’t wrap the towel properly, she spreads her legs out wide and holds onto the sides of the door with her claws and then it’s a mess.

When we arrived at the vets office we were whisked into one of the little exam rooms and the doctor came strolling in with his clipboard. I think he was twelve.

“So, let’s take a look at Sadie,” he said cheerfully. Then he grabbed her tail and took a look at the mess back there. “Well, it appears one of her glands got backed up,” he observed. Then he stood up and asked, “Has she been expressing her glands in her litter box?”

This was his actual question. How on earth would I know what she’s doing with her glands in her litter box? I didn’t even know she had glands. I just thought she had a butt hole back there. And I can tell you that there is plenty of evidence she’s been using THAT in the litter box. However, I didn’t want to actually say that to the twelve year old doctor because then it might look like I was an Irresponsible Pet Owner.

“I’m not sure,” I replied. “I don’t watch her in the litter box. It has a roof over it and she goes in there and does her business. Sadie likes a lot of privacy.” Meanwhile, Sadie is trying to maintain what dignity she has left while everybody sits around staring at her butt. So she just lowers her head into her paws and starts making this really weird growling sound.

“Well, we’re going to have to take care of this little problem and get her on some antibiotics,” the vet said. “We’ll need to help her express her glands and probably shave around the infected area.” Again, he says this with a very straight face. Like the “we” in that sentence is going to have anything to do with me.

“Sadie has claws,” I mentioned. “I don’t think the whole butt shaving is going to go over very well.”

At this point, I think the doctor realized that I was going to be of absolutely no use to him. “Well, why don’t I just take her into the Special Treatment Room,” he said. “And I’ll have my assistant help me with Sadie.”

Excellent idea.

I don’t know what they did to Sadie in the Special Treatment Room. I can tell you that the sounds emanating from the room were unholy. I never knew Sadie could imitate Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I was actually pretty impressed. My cat emerged after about 20 minutes with a shaved butt, exhausted and really, really pissed off. I think she’ll think twice before exposing her butt to anyone for quite a while. The doctor assured me that Sadie will be fine and he doubts we’ll have another “incident” again. I certainly hope so.

Categories: The Unexpected